Wishful Visage: Home

It has been so long
so long since I have got to share
share my heart
that my heart aches

I miss being sweet
sweet to the one I love
loving her reaction to compliments
and complimenting makes me ache for it again

I miss scheming a special surprise
a special evening of song or beauty
a beauty powered my creative mind
and my creative mind aches to do it once more

It has been so long
so long since the romantic inside has lived
lived with someone to share it all with
and without, my heart aches, to have it once again

—joseph nash

A whisper from afar
a voice without a sound
2000mi away you shown me
shown me a love no one else has

Why was I so special?
Why did I shine so bright?
Why have you been the only one to see it?
Why am I invisible?

A romance that burned HOT
a love so deep
a friendship so close
you took the risk and won

Why was I so special?
Why did you see anything in me?
Why have you been the only one to see it?
Why would you want a romantic that no one else wants?
Why?

—joseph nash

Before i get into things lets define some terms, yay!

INFATUATION: the feeling you have when you first meet someone you like.

LUST: a feeling of sexual attraction that is purely physical.

LOVE: love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (biblical definition)

ATTRACTIVE: the combination of physical features, friendship, and personality. (my definition)

Let's start by breaking down what love is so we can have a better view of what is happening.

Love Is: Patient, Kind

Love Does: keep no records of wrongs, Rejoice with the truth

Love Does Not: Envy, Boast, Delight in evil

Love Is Not: Proud, Rude, Self-seeking, Easily angered

Love Always: Protects, Trusts, Hopes, Perseveres

Knowing what love is helps in figuring out how to apply it in your life and relationships. If you fail to apply it in all facets of your life then it will simularly fail in a relationship. Just as Jesus said in the two greatest commandments on who we are to love. Love God with all your heart, mind, body, and soul. Love others as you love yourself. The things that love is, does, does not, is not, and always are easy to remember so learn them. You will need them.

People tend to mistake feelings of infatuation or lust as love. Love is not a feeling. Feelings can change on a whim. Love is an action. Love is a choice you have to make but I'm getting ahead of myself. I'll come back to this shortly.

A good strong relationship seems to revolve around two things that a man and woman must do. First they must learn to trust each other absolutely. Second they must make a choice. These two things usually are happening at the same time. This is the secret. Too easy? All hard things are simple :).

During the course of a relationship this process of learning to trust will hit a point where one or both must make a choice to continue. This comes when someone crosses a point in their trust relationship where it is uncomfortable (ie something hurts). No? Then think of a question that you either fear the answer to or fear their reaction to the asking of said question. Such fear is caused by not trusting that you will be together after the answer or question. That fear should not exist and needs to be dealt with. Before you answer or ask you need to make a choice. Will I stay with this person regardless of the answer/question? You should also ask yourself, if there are any questions or answers you are afraid to tell (love always trusts, love keeps no records of wrongs. Although infidelity should be intolerible). Make a pact. If you are truely serious, make a pact that defines what can end the relationship so that in all other things you will not fear rejection. Also, always talk as if the other will always be there in the future. Make plans in that way too (love always hopes). Working through the things that scare you will make your relationship stronger and closer (love is patient. love always perservers).

Choosing to trust doesn't apply to just intimate knowledge of each other but also in your everyday life. Money is a big thing that people fail to trust each other on. The household things that are "mine" also show how well people trust each other. If you really trust them, you should trust them to care for the things that are "yours" (love is not easily angered, love always trusts). Refering to things as "ours" seems to help a lot I have seen. Something else to keep in mind is never lie. Lots of little lies will quickly make you untrustworthy and destroy your relationship (love does rejoice with the truth).

Once you work out this trust thing. You will find most issues are minor. Once you trust that they wont leave at any silly stupid thing (love is not self-seeking) or that they wont leave because of some disagreement (love is not proud) or something stupid you said or did (love is patient). You have arrived :).

Now that you are here, keep learning to work together. Always practice love in every situation. Hold no compliment back (love is kind). Hold no "I love you" back. When you say "I love you" you are saying that "I will be patient and kind to you, I wont bring up past offences and I'll tell you the truth even when it hurts. I wont be envious, boastful, or treat you with evil intentions. I will not be proud or rude or selfish or easily angered. I will always protect you, always trust you, always hope with you, always perserver with you." This is the sum of the secret revealed to me years ago and now I give it to you.

...scattered around me in my living room are various pieces of jewelry. im kneeling examining them. i see a couple necklaces, earrings, and a ring. near my foot is a white box with ornate pattern on it with a velvety texture.

i pick up one of the necklaces to put in the box. it is a pearl necklace. largish white pearls with silver clasps. i put it in the box. i pick up the earrings next. they have 3 small dangling pearls with a larger one on center set with silver or white gold. an odd feature i notice about the earrings is the blue stone set in the center of the pearl.

i put them in the box too. i notice the jewelry all seems to match like it was a set. i pick up the next necklace. it is plain white gold/silver chain and charm with a blue stone on it. lastly i pick up the ring. the stone is blue and the setting is made with pearl inlaid around the blue stone.

im staring at the set wondering why its in my living room when suddenly i am waked...

I am a lump of coal
dirty and mis-shapen
I am not rock hard
brittle and easily broken

I am a lump of coal
put a spark to me and I will keep you warm
light me on fire and I will melt your steel

I am a lump of coal
crushed and refined
thrown into heat and pressure
then soon you will see
that all along I've been a diamond in disguise

I am a diamond
clear and pure
cherished by sentiment and love
I am the hardest there is
but, I digress
ultimately, I am just a...
lump of coal

—joseph nash

While reading and listening to the lyrics for the song on this post and thinking about various events in my life. The interpretation to why I die in my dreams. The key wasn't why I die but that I get back up after the fatal wound.

I view it like this: No matter what attack or circumstance will overcome me. There is always strength in me to get back up and see my wounds heal before my very eyes. No matter the method of my death, I still get back up to continue the fight again and again. Like Neo at the end of the Matrix haha!

Many have said "you must be strong to handle this so well. id be a mess right now". Maybe now I know why. I've already died to them and been revived.

Ok I'm peeved that the city inspector took a picture of my car on my own damn lawn saying it is a violation. ITS MY FUCKING LAWN IN MY FUCKING YARD!!! I've had enough of this blatant lack of property rights in what is supposed to be America "Land of the Free". Whatever.

So here is my idea. I should start a non-profit to combat stupid shit like this as well as other corruptions that are fudging up the whole local government. Maybe expand to state and national as time goes on.

This organization will fully support the constitution, be Christian in nature, and expose and fight corruption and bad policy wherever it pops up it's dirty bastard head.

Please excuse the language I'm rather angry.

After several days of thinking about it. I decided that I definitely can't be too friendly with girls I like. If they want to know me then it has to be on a date over dinner. Otherwise little to no interaction is gonna be allowed.

Something has to give. I can't let every girl I like be friends. What good does that do me? I have plenty of girls who I have no interest in to be my friends. I don't want to be someones brother or best friend (surely my gf will be my best friend but only when that time comes).

I have to draw the line somewhere or I'm going to get no where with anyone. I'm tired of getting to know great girls who I'd love to have as my gf only to find I'm stuck once again where I tried to avoid going. Fuck that I'm not doing it anymore that's a promise.

To any future ones, I don't want to know you and will barely talk to you unless we are on a date. Anything less and I'm moving along. Harsh? Maybe but I will kill this issue if it costs me and it has several times trying to be rid of it. I will win, believe it!

... im at a small town near the beach. particularly a house on the beach front. facing the beach is a wall with the beach on one side and the side of the house on the other side. the yard of the house is even with the top of the wall. a couple feet down the wall is the beach. a break in the wall looks like a driveway onto the beach.

on the other side of the house is a sizable lake or tide pool. not far from the driveway break in the wall. in the distance i see people using a jet ski on it. various people from church everywhere walking around or talking with each other. all spread out in the area.

im walking along the beach noticing that it is low tide. *r*. and the tide is starting to come in. i hop up on the wall as the water rushes up the driveway and spills into the tide pool before crashing back down the beach. i walk the wall toward the house.

in the house are many people i know and friends. i say hi and we chat. and then i wake....

Nothing in life has been more perplexing to me than getting from friendship to relationship. It seems to defy all logic, methods, feelings, or whatever else you can think to list.

Why does every girl I meet that has great potential for an awesome relationship only want me as a friend? I just don't understand it. There always seems to be a barrier between me and a girl. So much so I gave it a name long ago. "The Relationship Barrier" akin to the sound barrier.

Why am I so different? Why is it so easy for others to cross? I just can not seem to find the answers to this :-(.

The only solution I've been able to come up with is to avoid being close friends with girls I like. That solution sucks too, but at least I avoid getting attached over time to someone who doesn't view me the same. Still that hasn't been very effective in avoiding friend zone territory. I guess the only way I can interact with a girl I like is ask her out right away. I don't like to do that though because I like to get to know a girl before I ask her out. Often I find a girl I thought I liked has something about her that I would rather avoid making her undatable. Good to avoid a bad relationship before it becomes one I think but what do I know :-/.

I don't even want to bother anymore. Maybe I'll reconsider after the new year.